Just as many see marijuana as a gateway to the use of harder drugs, there is also a strongly held belief that cruelty to animals often is a stepping stone to violence against people. That theory proved true today when former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick drowned his attorneys to death and then electrocuted their corpses.
“O.J. Simpson got off on a double murder charge even though there was loads of physical evidence,” said Vick. “Yet my attorneys can’t keep me out of jail on freaking dogfighting charges when all the prosecution basically has is some of my crackhead friends putting their words against mine? Anyone with money can manipulate the American justice system. Except for me apparently and my incompetent attorneys. They were weak. They were losers. That’s why I had to put them down.”
Vick says that even though he has now committed murder, he feels the drowning and electrocution of his legal team will go along way towards rehabilitating his image.
“Come on, people, they are lawyers. Is anyone going to miss a few lawyers?” said Vick. “Do you know what they call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. Come on, people. This is gold. I am giving you comedic gold. Lawyer jokes are totally awesome.”
Va officials are withholding comment until a press conference later on this evening.