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    NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 1

    By Jeffrey Boswell
    Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

    Houston @ Pittsburgh (-6½)

    While it may be hard for the Steelers to get pumped for a visit from a Houston team that doesn't feature Bum Phillips and Dan Pastorini, Mike Tomlin and crew know the importance of opening the season with a win, especially at home against an underdog opponent. So don't expect a lackluster performance from Pittsburgh, a team eager to defend their AFC North crown and return to the playoffs.

    "We won't take anyone lightly," says Tomlin, who failed in his bid to convince the NFL to award one point for failed two-point conversions. "Whether it's Phillips and Pastorini, Clyde Drexler and Guy V. Lewis, or Nolan Ryan and Bill Virdon, we'll have to play our best, because you can never underestimate Houston, especially with Dom Capers and David Carr in the mix."

    Just a correction, Mike. It's Matt Schaub and Gary Kubiak in Houston now.
    "Well, then my apologies to Carr and Capers, God rest their souls."

    Tomlin learned some hard lessons last year. One, when holding a one-point lead late in a playoff game, don't have Ben Roethlisberger run the option then fall down on third down when a first down would have secured the victory. Two, Dr. House is always right. Steelers win, 30-13.

    Dallas @ Cleveland (+5½)

    On the field, you can expect Tony Romo and Terrell Owens to represent one of the NFL's most prolific quarterback/wide receiver duo. Off the field, you can expect to see Romo, with baseball cap on backwards, squiring around girlfriend Jessica Simpson, while a proud and grateful Owens blusters tearfully, through dark sunglasses, "That's my quarterback ... sniff."

    "I've never had a relationship with a quarterback quite like this," says Owens. "We get along so well. If I didn't spend 95% of my time reinforcing my insecurities with acts of ultimate manhood, like wearing form-fitting workout gear three sizes too small, I'd ask the guy to marry me."

    Dallas is a big favorite in the NFC this year. Of course, that was the case last year when the playoffs started. With the "Big Three in the Big D," Romo, Owens, and Marion Barber III, the Cowboy offense is potent. And Adam Jones gives Dallas a playmaking threat on defense and on special teams. Jones is making a fresh start in Dallas, after Roger Goodell recently reinstated him, which brings Jones' number to 175. That number being the times he's heard the words "You're free to go."

    It's a battle of roly-poly head coaches, as Wade Phillips leads the confident Cowboys into Romeo Crenel's Dawg Pound. Jamal Lewis weebles, Derek Anderson wobbles, and the Browns fall down. Dallas wins, 34-27.
    The writer also wrote about several other teams, but it would've made this article very long--so check out the link if you want a chuckle--some of his stuff is quite funny...

  2. #2
    AZ_Steeler's Avatar
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    Jamal Lewis weebles, Derek Anderson wobbles, and the Browns fall down.

  3. #3
    2nd String steelerschick1220's Avatar
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    Jan 2008
    This dude wries NAscar Power ranking as well. He is really hilarious.
    Proud fan of Dale Earnhardt Jr., Pittsburgh Steelers, Duke Bluedevils, and San Antonio Spurs.

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