laughed my ass off when I read this .....
Audio Transcript Recording of the "Arians’ Abortion"
By: Still Mill
Lo and behold, I was able to intercept the recorded conversation that took place during the timeout just before the now infamous “Arians Abortion” on 3rd down & 6 late in the 4Q of the Jax loss.
First, let me set it up for you. Here was the situation as it unfolded:
It was 3rd & 6, at the Steelers 26, with 2:56 remaining. Jax had TWO timeouts, plus the 2-minute warning, which means there is an ETERNITY of time remaining on the clock for an opponent that needs only a FIELD GOAL to win the game. With kick coverage teams that couldn’t cover a toddler in a romper room, plus a punter that shanks more balls than a circus clown, the very thought of punting the ball had to be akin to having a root canal without Novocain. Time clearly did not matter here; getting a 1st down and moving the chains did.
Herewith is the audio transcript of conversation that took place during that critical timeout --
Tomlin: Allright men, let’s gather around…..!
Arians: Don’t worry, Coach…I have the perfect playcall.
Tomlin: Ok great, let’s hear it…
Arians: We’ll do the ol’ “Ben Keeper Left”…..
Tomlin: The what….??
Arians: We’ll do the ol’ “Ben Keeper Left”, around end…..
Arians: And, he keeps the ball around end……!
Tomlin: And…….then….. what the fu<k comes next…….?
Arians: Uhh, nothing…he just keeps the ball and runs for the first down….
Tomlin: So, you want me to have my slow-assed QB run to his LEFT, with no option to pass, and “just run” for the first down, which is 6 yards away……..?
Arians: Yes, that’s right, Coach… And it worked great in practice!!
Tomlin: Hey Ben, when you ran this in practice, who did you run it against ??
Ben: Uh, I think we had Potsie Farrior at ILB, Dick Eason at DE, Cooper at OLB, and Anthony Smith at DB Coach”
Tomlin: Bruce, you ran this play against the slowest starting ILB in the NFL, along with a 4th string DE, a 4th string OLB, and Tony "Toast" Smith. Do you really think it’ll work against the starters on the AFC’s toughest run defense ??
Arians: Sure thing, Coach…..I designed it myself. Plus, I used to run this play all the time in Cleveland and it worked great.
Tomlin: Well, okay……but Ben’s on fire this half. The only plays he’s not converted are my idiotic 2-point conversion attempts ……e verything else, he’s been lights out. Why not let our franchise QB win the game for us right here with a 1st down on a simple pass to good ol’ Hines, or Heath, or Holmesie, or even Cedric….?
Ben: Yeah, Coach, let me hook up with Hines on the easy slant, or Holmes. Or I can hit Heath on a drag. Coach, they ain’t stopped us all 2nd half in our passing game…..I know we can complete a pass for 6 yards……and if nothing is open, I could do an impromptu scramble and either gain the 6 on a busted run or hit an open receiver after I start to scramble.
Ward: Yeah, Coach….nobody has covered me yet this half. If there is a WR in the NFL that can get you 6 yards and a key 1st down, you’re looking at him…!
Arians: Coach, we don’t care about the first down. All’s we want to do is milk the clock. By golly, we’ll milk this bay-bee like a cow !! This is why I ordered the 2 line plunges already on this drive. We’ll milk this like a lactating momma! And even if we don’t make the 1st down, we can always punt and pin the Jags back deep.”
Tomlin: Back deep…? We’re on our own 26, fer chrissakes. Sepulveda hasn’t launched a deep punt since Halloween. And have you ever seen our coverage teams……??
Arians: Our coverage teams are fine, Coach. Don’t be so negative….!
Tomlin: Allright, what is the blocking scheme again on this play…..?
Arians: Well, on a combo left, Hines comes in motion, and cracks on the DE. Essex pulls waaaay wide to the left. Crybaby Alan takes the DT. Miller and a pulling Mahan take the ILB.
Tomlin: Okay, Bruce….sounds as complicated as a Chinese fire drill……or some disorganized scheme that Donald Rumsfeld might have invented… And who blocks the CB that was on Hines in the 1st place…..? Isn’t he unblocked ?
Arians: Yes, but don’t worry ‘bout the small details, Coach….Ben’ll think of something as he’s running. He’ll be just fine…..!
Tomlin: Remember, if this doesn’t work, my ass will be in a sling….
Arians: Coach, remember I ain’t no rookie Offensive Coordinator here……I was in this here same job in Cleveland several years ago
Tomlin: Yeah, and remind me again how that one turn out, Bruce….?
Arians: Well, there was this small run-in with management……and I kind of got the short end of the stick----
REFEREE: Gentlemen, the Timeout is over, back onto the field….!
Tomlin: Ok Ben, you’ve got the playcall…..
(Ben jogs out to the huddle…)
Linemen, in unison: Ben, what’s the playcall….?
Ben: Combo left, trips right, Arians Abortion…….Arians Abortion, on 1, on 1…..ready, break !
Entire huddle, in unison: (collective groan… what?)
Entire huddle, in unison: (son-of-a-beyotch ....here we go)
Ben: Blue 39, Blue 39……Green 36, Green 36, hut !
Ben (running with ball): Oh, shiat……!!
(audio cuts out)
.... the rest is history.
.... right here Arians, right here baby ......
(Still Mill and Stillers.com -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close